Freedom part 1

Letting go is a hard thing to do sometimes. I have been thinking about a post a made a few moths ago. It was about forgiveness. I think when we forgive we have to let go also. This is something I have not been able to do. I have been holding on to feelings and people I needed to let go of a long time ago.

 

I have had a hard time allowing myself to let go and move forward. I have allowed myself to stay locked into an emotional rollercoaster and because of that I was blocking any chances I had for growth.

 

Although I was not in a physical relationship with my Ex I still had a huge emotional one. I had allowed myself to THINK we could be friends and just text each other and maybe talk every once in a while. The thing with that is you never detach. You will always expect those texts. You will always want the text and you will always need that person in your life.

This is what happened to me. I still felt like I needed him. While I didn’t get anything but a text and a phone call every now and then, I still felt attached to him. I needed to talk to him and this drove me crazy. I could not understand why I felt this way. I still don’t really but I do know I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t  feel it because I let go.

 

I sat one day and really thought about what I am getting from these phone calls. I asked myself do I want to be married to him. Am I happier because of the calls, Do I love this man. While I love him I am not IN LOVE with him and so I would say the answer to all questions is a HUGE NO. I made myself let go that day.

I picked up the phone and called him. We talked and I asked him a few questions about his life. His answers made me laugh. I was thinking to myself “THANK GOD IM NOT MARRIED TO THIS MESS.” I laughed so hard he thought I was trippin. He wanted to know what was so funny. I told him nothing was funny. I was just happy. I laughed because I knew at that moment I had broken all emotional ties with him and for the first time I felt free.

I was free to live. I was free to be me. I was free to move on with my life. I didn’t know back then but I was trapped. Trapped by my own mind; I think in the back of my head I thought if all else fails I always have him to run back to. HOW SAD is that? I was never really free of him thinking this way. He was my safety net. Alhumduillah I chose to walk the line without a net.

 

I walked and I made it to the other side. I may have stumbled but I never fell. And once I got to the other side I was lucky to find myself and find a man to love me. This is why new guy, last year, didn’t work out. I was not free. I was still holding on to the crap. I was still stuck in an emotional rut and was never free to accept or give what is needed to have a healthy relationship. I was never free to move on.

 

Freedom feels good. Freedom feels great. I am feeling loved and wanted like never before in my life. I am feeling adored and cared for in ways I didn’t even know possible. I could never see these things before because I was caged by my own madness and my own emotional turmoil. It’s strange how sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

~ by livinglifeandlovinit on February 5, 2009.