forgivness

 I went to Tariq Nelson’s blog and he wrote about friendship and forgivness. I have since read a few other blogs that are talking about friendhip becuase of his entry. I however, want to talk about forgivness.

Forgiveness is such a huge thing. I know i have told many people I have forgiven them but deep down I really have not. It is something that has become so easy to say but the reality is it is very hard to do.

I have tried to be more forgiving becuase of Islam. I know I would rather have man decide if I am forgiven or not then to leave it up to Allah. I would take mans punishment over Allahs anyday. Because of this I try to forgive Muslims that have hurt me.

The thing is many times I say it but really dont. I used to think I did forgive but I have come to understand I really have not. Many times there is just so much hurt and pain there that it is too hard to truely forgive. I may move on but my heart and mind have not forgotten ot forgiven.

I think of my EX. I used to think I forgave him but i know now I didnt. Even though we talk and try to remain friends I am still affected my the pain and suffering I endured. It is so hard for me to trust because of him. I question everything and in the back of my mind I am always waiting for the boom, the pow, or the big bang. I do not expect anything to be easy. When I get easy something happenes to make it crazy and many time I am the cause. This is because with him there was always a period of niceness followed by a bang. Over the years the Bangs just became bigger; they bacame so big I just had to walk away. But the bangs became a part of me; they became normal. THAt has to stop.

I know I have to truly forgive him if I want to move on. I have to really move forward with my life and leave him where he belongs………IN THE PAST.

So, today I forgive him. Today I let go of all the pain and all the hurt and all the suffering and all the drama. I let it go and send it to a place I will never visit. I wont go back to that place for any man. For now on I want happiness. For now on I want peace. I know it wont be as easy as just saying it. But inshaallah it is a start and this time it wont be a false start.

The things that happend to us shape who and what we are. We can never completely forget. We can never just erase the past but we must move on. we must work through the things that caused us pain and dispare. If we dont they will consume us. They will run our lives and we need to be in control and run them.

This is hard at times. Almost 10 yrs and I am still dealing with the affects of seeing my husband die. Not one day,a nd i mean not one day goes by that I am not affected by this. My anxiety attacks started becuse of this. My EX made them worse but everyday I have to tell my self I wont get sick. I wont have an attack or I wont die.  Normal people do not think of their death as much as I do.

But becuase i was there and saw it, heard it, lived it…I still live with it. I think more that that. I have to forgive myself . I blamed myself for so long. I say why didnt I know he was sick. Why didnt I call 911 sooner.

I am letting that go too. I know that was Allahs plan. I had nothing to do with it. It is NOT my fault. I have to live and thinking everyday is this day going to be my last is not living. It is slowly killing me. So from this day on. I am going to live. I am going to be free from this darkness and move into the light.

My new guy. My heart hurts in ways I never thought possible. You all just do not know the love I had/have in my heart for this man. You all may think it was just a high time in lust, but I know the truth. What I had with him was real. It was good, and it hurts me to know it will never be. For the things that were never said…I forgive you. For the things I said and did……Inshaallah you will forgive me. Only he knows what that really means …..He will never see this but its out there…..and I pray one day he will forgive me…..

I have to move on from him or I will never grow. I will always be stuck on stuipd with him. I will miss a blessing becuse my heart is holding on to a man that will never be mine.

To his wife. I am sorry for fallin in love with YOUR man. I should have stopped it before it began. I know you said it was cool, I know you said you were ok with it, I know it all; but I should have known better.  I will forever miss you and remember you during Ramadan.

when my Arab/ African man sent me that message it made me think. You know one day a man will come along inshaallah that will be it. He will not be complicated he wont be wrapped in all the drama. But he will be good and I will miss him becuase I am not ready. So today, I am getting ready. Today I am letting go of my past and moving into my future……..

I am forgiving…….and inshaallah I will be forgiven, by my loved one, friends and people I just know; people I didnt know I hurt and people I know I cause much pain.

Forgiveness from My children becuase I was not allowed and I didnt allow myslf to be the best mother I could be to them. That will never happen again. I will never allow my drama to affect them the way I have in the past.

Most of all I am seeking forgivness from Myself and My LORD. I know I have wronged myself in many way. I pray Allah allows me to make this change and start doing right by me. I pray he gives me the strength to be a better Muslim and a better person. I know by wronging myself I am not doing right by allah. I humbely seek forgivness from Him.

~ by livinglifeandlovinit on August 29, 2008.