The need to love

I remember last yr when I knew my marriage was over I would force myself to say to myself I love my husband and I want to be married. I would say that several times a day thinking if I say it enough it will some how become true. It didnt but it became a part of me. I even found myself saying it after we had seperated.

Today i decided I would say that to myself. I love you girl. I did it this morning and cried. I mean balled. I dont think I ever told myself that. I make sure I say it to people. I tell my kids, my true friends and my mom but never to myself. I dont even relly hear if from others. well my wonderful son tells me just about everyday. that boy, I swear he is like his father…:)

I give love so freely. When I love I love hard. I mean I give it all to you. I will be there for you and love you even when it hurts….but I dont do that for me. I have to start doing that. I think I cant or I dont becuase I am so busy loving everyone else. I know I am loved but I need to feel it.

I miss that. I need that. I need to be loved. I need to have a person to depend on. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO tired of doing everything myself. I am so tired of holding the world up while my feet are being chopped off. I am not asking nor do I want alot. I just want time. Time to be a woman, time to let my hair down. I dont mind having hard times but I need a release from it . I need time to cry my eyes out and have some big strong arms around me and hear a deep voice say its ok. I got you…….. That would do so much more for me than you all know.

I would love to do all the things i do to feel good and smell good and know there will be some one that sees it and smells it. I love when i take a shower and  take the hair off my legs and arms. They feel so nice, I would love to have a man think that too. Every night i wear nice things and smell good and everynight Im alone. I do it for me. I do it so I never lose what I am. BUT DAMN……………

I love to look at men eat my food. I feel like i did something. This food I created with my own hands. I do not use boxed foods really . I make soup….I make soup not open a can. I make corn bread not from a box. I have cooked that way but I really enjoy seeing what I can make. Vegatables are about the only thing I get out of a bag.

I love listening to men talk. Dont ask me why but i can listen to a man all day but women tend to bore me after an hour or so. I love to pray with a man. I love to hear him say Quran and feel it. I miss these things. You know there are just some things a man can do that a women cant.

I miss that. If I was not Muslim I could go out and have a friend with benefits. But I cant. I am not some sex starved woman but when I want it my lord I want it. I swear there are times I am so hot you can fry an egg on me……..LOL………man i crack myself up………… But it is true. When you go from a  situation where u got it very often to not at all it is hard. and if you are a person like me that enjoys it and I mean like a man enjoys it then there can be problems when you do not get it and see no end in sight for the drought.  I think I take after my male family members in that way. They all are all like that. the women seem to be able to take it or leave it…. how they do it I dont know…….heck maybe they just anit never had someone make their toes curl………..Im just saying……maybe. I have a friend she cracks me up. She said I dont know what the big deal is. I have been married 7 yrs and I dont see what  the big deal is. I have never made the sounds you hear on TV or the movies. I think someone just made that up……….I fell out laughing. …I dont know about yall but  I will tell you all like I told her…….I aint never had no issues with knowing what the big deal is……Thas all Im saying….

Whatever it is I miss it. I miss all of it.

~ by livinglifeandlovinit on July 9, 2008.