Pain

There are times in our lives when we experience heart ache and pain. Most times we get over it. we feel the pain, grieve and move on. Other times it takes a bit longer and the grieving process is harder but again we move on. Then there are times when you feel like you don’t want to live but you don’t want to die. there are times when the pain is soo unbearable. there are times when no matter how long you grieve, no matter how long you cry, no matter how long you try to move on, the pain never goes away; It seems never ending!!!!

I remember waking every morning and feeling like why am I even getting out of bed. I used to think life would be better if I just slept all day everyday and didn’tlive. I used to feel so heavy and burdened down with the hurt and pain I was living. and in the end I remember feeling so much lighter when I lost that extra 175 lbs I carried around. That man weighed me down mentally, physically and emotionally. When I let go I felt free. I could breath……….

But as time went on I started to feel burdened down again. I would have a flash back of something. I would watch a movie and something would remind me of a situation and all those feelings would return. I would become heavy again.

When he called me to tell me his son was born I felt like he had stabbed me in the heart. Not because I didn’t wish him well and really deep down I was happy for her. But my pain my memories came rushing back; how this union has produces a child. Not only a child but a son. when I think that to make that child means he had to have made love to her. He made love to her while he was married to me. when i think of that it hurts.

He did not share me with anyone. He had me all to himself. I never loved anyone or made love to anyone except him. He had my comlete devotion. He had my support. I stood by himwhen he was wrong. I cheered him on when he was right. I took care of him when he was ill. I walked for him when he could not. I was his eyes when he didnt see things clearly. I was his ground he used to say. if I was his ground why did he keep breakign me down. Why did he not secure it and make it strong so i could be a strong foundation. Instead he made me weak I was broken into small pieces and unable to support myself let alone both of us and certainly not 3 people.

 When a man takes a wife he distroys another. Yes, some women get over it. Some manage to deal and cope with the pain. But even then a part of those women die. The part that just dreamed of a life with her husband growing old together. The part of how they were partners and would share and do everything as one unit. That is gone.

when i man marries he kills the spirit of the first wife. she no longer has anything to herself. she wonders if her cooking is good enough anymore she will wonder if she is pretty enough, sexy enough, kind enough, if her voice is soft enough. Everything she does will have a huge question mark on it. Because now he has options. Now he has someone to compare you too.

Even in the best of “P” marriages there is pain. there is heart ach. why do men not know this. Or better yet why do they just feel like we will get over it. why do they feel it is something that does not hurt for long. How can they so easily shout out how the Prophets wives hurt and they endured. when these men do not act like nor do they treat their wives like the prophet did. 

yes, all women are jealous. Yes we all love and adore our husbands and want him to be our alone. But there is a pain that goes beyond that.  There is a pain that is deeper that any knife could go. Sometimes there is a pain that reaches the very essence of your being and it rips you a part and truns your inside outside and it breaks you down until you are left with just a shell of what you once were.

This does not come from selfishness. I for one did not mind the fact that he had a wife. I supported him. I would have rathered him be with a wife than to sin. I went above and beyond my duties as his wife and I did things becuse I love him. I held his happiness above my own. I was his door mat. My pain came from him walking all over me. It comes from the abuse. It comes for the neglect. It comes from the feeling abandoned. If I could live though the wedding night and still have a smile on my face I could endure a marriage IF it was done right. if I could bring her into my home and truly love her as my sister. then I could deal with him loving another woman other than me. The pain this pain came from him not seeing me. It came from him not listening to my crys for help it came from him not taking care of my needs and only thinking of his own.

Time and time again to told him I cannot do it. I told him It was too much. I was carring everything, a job, a marriage, a baby, bills, time,  my kids and all the time I had to make nice while he would spend hours at a time with her. I was left to deal with my pain all while he was happily going from person to person. fulfilling all his needs and not once giving me my rights. I paid and worked for everything. He slept with her on my bed in my home. No not my personal bed but it was a bed i owned. NOT him, it was mine.

 Marriage is a trust. When you go to a woman for marriage you are asking her to trust you. she not only will trust you with her body, but her life. She will forever trust you to feed her, clothe her, protect her, love her. when you go to her faily and tell them how great a man you are they trust you with their child. they are putting faith in you that you will love her and treat her in a manner that is acceptable to them.  How can you build on trust when your whole marriage turns into one big lie.

how can a woman trust you when you decieve her, do not protect her, do not feed her, clothe her, house her? What happens when she does not freely give up her rights but you take them? This is what happened to me. I was dooped. I was not given right but altimatiums, I could chose to deal or walk away. While he spent his money on weddings and brides I was home paying bills. While he was out having wedding dinners my heart was breaking not only emotionally but literally. shortly after he married her I was rushed to the hospital. My heart broke……………..They thought i was going to die.

this is not a marriage…..this is pain. this is abuse, this is neglect.

I ask myself why did I do this/ why did I allow these things to happen to me. I was dumb. I was in love…not with him but the man i married. The man i married loved me. He took care of me. He supported me. He would not even let a day go by without showing me he loved me. The man I married had a strogn Islamic character. He prayed, he talked abotu islam taught my kids Islam and Arabic. My 3 yr old son Marshallah knew more Quran that many adults.He learned it from my husband.  This was the man I married and loved. He was kind and gentle. He was a lion and protected me.  

I kept holding on to that man. but that man left me ……..he took hold to something else . he chose a new love over me. He chose to love his self. He chose to worship his desires. He chose to bow down to every whim and fantasy that came into him mind. He chose to look the other way when I was in pain or hurt becuase that made him not enjoy that passion his new life brought.

I became an afterthought…………I became a burden……..I became not a wife but a possession. I was his old comfortable pair of shoes. I would get used when he feet hurt in the other shoes. I was used when needed not casue i was wanted…………..

this is the pain i am left with.  some will say I am better off without him…..but am I . I am still suffering. I still cry…..i still hurt…I am a 41 yr old black female living overseas. I will more than likely spend the rest of my days unmarried. . I have said more than once I am a person that NEEDS a husband. I have issues and do not cope well alone . the sad fact is the only men that will want to marry me are men that are already married. ….Even if I know in my heart I just want my own husband and do not want to take from another woman…….I know I will. I know I will hurt a woman ……..I may even send her over the edge…..can I do that and truly be happy????!!!!! so am I really better off. If I am I dont see it. as I see it the only difference is

I am alone

 

 

~ by livinglifeandlovinit on June 6, 2008.