I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!
I am in a group with Safa. I have not read a post there in maybe a year. The other day I went there. I saw Safa had posted her link to her story. IF you have not read it here it is. http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/429490
I was shocked when I read the replies. Over 90% close to 99% of the women took his side or faulted her for many reasons. I went back there today and there were more attacks. I had to reply. I was angry.
this was my reply
As salamu alakium,
I get off line and I am back cause I am still angry. I am more than that I am fuming. WHY do we women attack each other. The men have their ole boys club. They do not need any more members. In fact, even if they did, they do not want YOU. YOU are the people they are teaching each other how to misuse, abuse, and neglect and call it halal.
I too have to say BRAVO to Safa. I rarely post here and only read
once in a while. I just happened to look yesterday and saw the
backlash of her post. I hope and pray that the reason she is getting
so much flack is because people just do not know her story.
I know Safa personally, I knew her before she wrote one word on her
blog. I went step by step with her and shared many many tears with
her. She had waited, prayed, endured, suffered, and asked for help.
What can you do when you get none. What can you do when every place
you turn you are rejected.
Alhumduillah she did leave and is better off now. But what about the
people that aren’t. What about the people that will enter into these
farse marriages and have no warning that they even exist.
I can say I had no idea that women were living in such bad
situations until I joined these groups. I had no idea women were
suffering until i saw it with my own eyes. So we do need people to
warn us and protect us BECAUSE we can not rely on the men to do it.
They are part of the good ole boys club and they are only looking
out for each other
Yes, men have a right to have another wife. No problem, however the
problem comes in when they abuse the situation. there are right and
there are obligations that goes along with these rights.
Having more than one wife and not being able to afford her is not a
good situation to bring in an extra wife but we see it done over and
over again. and yet no one stops them. No one tells them they are
wrong . In fact they are encouraged to do it by whom, the kuffar..NO
MUSLIMS. so we cannot just say we cant look to the kuffar. IF the
Muslims were taking care of each other then we could say that. BUT
when our own ummah is feeding us to the wolves sometimes our only
hope and only help comes from outside.
These brothers will lie and say they have this job or that job and
have others lie for them as well backing up their stories. then when
the sister find herself in a horrible situation we want to blame her
for wanting to get out and give her grief and no support. I think
men have enough support we need to stick together and support each
other.
I have seen a man here in UAe married and divorce 7 time. he has not
worked one day that i know of and his wife has held down several
jobs to support their growing family. How is this OK!!!!!!!!
I know a woman whos husband took all the food out of the home and
took her pads and told her to stand in the tub for a week. I
personally took food and pads to this woman. while the husband went
off and married his 5 wife. He has never stayed married to a woman
other than her for more than 6 months. Why is this OK!!!!!!!How is
it when she tries to warn these VIRGIN women she gets dogged out by
the community and get accused of telling her husbands secrets. Why
is she told to shut up and be quiet? I am sorry there are just some
secrets that need to be told. If a man is doing what he is doing he
needs to be stopped. The women have a right to be told.
How can a man get out of jail one day and have an imam marry him
the next week and no one tell the woman He has no job, just got out
of jail, and already has 2 wives and 5 kids. Why is it she get
shunned for being the bad wife because she wants no part of it.
How is it she it told he didn’t have to tell u he was married. How
can we expect to have a marriage based on trust when you are lied to
from DAY ONE!
How can a man marry a woman for a green card. the imam that is
suppose to be the wali knows that the man only wants a green card
but does not tell the bride and marries them anyway!!!
why is she told not to divorce, why was she not looked after?? What
about her right!!! we always hear about the right of the
husband….what about us. are we the only ones that have to learn to
pray when times get hard?
are we the only ones that have to learn to rely on Allah, swt, when
we cannot have the things we want. I am sorry but having an
additional wife is an option, that falls into the WANTS not the
NEEDS!! Having an additional wife is an extra!!!!!! not required.
Yes, some men are wired to have high sex drives, you know what so
are some women and we have learned to take cold showers and make
plenty of dua when we have to wait days, weeks, months, or
sometimes years for these men to come VISIT us when we are in
need…….what ever happened to telling a man to learn those same
skills. wudu and 2 rakatts can work for MEN also!!!!
I think I need to change my name to the angriest Muslimah. I have never been more pissed off at men than I have been these last few days. I swear I am so close to say I will never get married again OR will marry a non Muslim. I swear these Muslim men make me SICK!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired of reading these stories. I am so tired of seeing the abuse first hand I am so tired of living my own life filled with unhappiness because of a Muslim Man. More than that I am sick to death of these sorry women saying its ok! I am sick of them backing them up and throwing Islam in as the reason why. I am sooooooooo sick of seeing women knocked down by men struggle to get up only to be dragged down again by a woman.
Where is the sisterhood???!!!!!!!
Men are messed up. If you lived with one long enough you know this. Some, alhumuillah are ok, Most fall into the jacked up category. When you look at the ummah today it is filled with no good, low down, men. I can not speak for all Muslim men I can just tell you what I see.
the thing is that is how they are but WHY do we protect them and their behaviour while we gladly back bite, neglect, and and feed each other to the wolves/ I just do not understand that.
As I read many of the comments to Safas post I came accross sisters that were mad because she went to the public and the “kufir” would not understand. Yeah ok, this would be a good arguement IF the Muslims were taking care of each other. The sad thing is In Islam WE SHOULD take care of each other we are suppose to protect each other and remind each other to stay away from the haram and do what is halal. The people now adays steer you into the haram and away from the halal. How about instead of the Imam telling the men to lie to their wives, lie to the bride to be, keep secrets, break laws, and whatever just to get an EXTRA piece they tell them to pray and wait on Allah. How about telling them it is illegal to marry more than one woman in the states or Canada. How about tell them to go home and love your wife more, be kinder to her, spend time with your kids since you have so much free time to give another woman. How about the only people that have things set up to help women that have been abused and are in need are non Muslim groups. Yes, there are a few Muslim groups but they are few and when they do offer help usually they make you feel worse than you did when you walked in the door. I remember once I went to am Imam for help. When I arrived I spoke with the receptionist first. I told her why I was there. She told the man I was there and led me in the room. She stayed in the room with me. I sat down and I told the imam I needed help I had never talked to him before and this was hard because I an not a person that asks for help and he said what did I do to make my husband mad. I looked at him and walked away. I looked at the women that sat there and said NOTHING I just told her why I was there. He knew nothing about me or my situation but he just assumed I had an angry husband and I wanted to leave. When the fact of the matter was my husband had just died. I needed help. That same day a lady saw me getting mail and she asked about my husband because usually we did it together and she had not seen him in 2 days. I told her he just died . that night she had people at my home cooking and giving me money and they took care of me and my family. These people were Christian. Where were the Muslims?????????? I never received one call for that Imam or the lady….
The sad thing is We do not listen to our sister when they well us they need help. We tell them to be patient. We tell them to build up their eman, we tell them to make dua; All of these things are good however, they will not stop what is going on. They are not solution to the problem. These women need help!! They do not need for us to tell them ” oH sister don’t tell your husbands secrets.” Sister did you know the ungrateful wife will go to hell.”
Why is it that our own communities do not come to our aide? Why is it that we as sister know what is going on with other sisters but do nothing? Why do we allow a man to beat his wife? neglect his kids? and when that same man marries another woman we blame the first wife and do not warn the new one. I just don’t understand.
Why is it we have to cover up the sins of our husbands at our own expense!!!??
Yes, Safa going public was a big deal but it is something SHE felt she had to do. We need to stop covering up the crap we have been hiding all these years. Time to air out the dirty laundry and get some clean clothes on. I think more people need to tell their stories and let people know the big P is not a walk in the park and everything that glitters aint gold. Someone needs to warn these soon to be 2, 3 and 4 wives that these men sometimes are not doing a great job with wife number one. why join in the misery. Some one needs to tell these people just think they can do and treat a woman any ole kind of way that it is wrong….They are wrong…..the whole system is wrong!!!!!
We as women have rights! why do we allow these sorry ass men to walk all over them???????
As Salaamu Alaikum:
This is sad but it is so true. Powerful post mashaAllah.
As Salaamu Alaikum Sis:
Whew! You sure did tell them! You go girl!
BTW, did you get my second email inquiring about the p book? If not, I will re-send it, Insha Allah.
Insha Allah you feel a little better now that you got some of that off you. I sure do agree with you, sis.
Walakium salaam,
Yes, I did I just checked I will send you an email very soon inshaallah.
Wow, sis, you sure spoke it like a true sister, not a sweep-it-under-the-rug, turn-the-other-cheek sister. I applaud what you wrote, and I applaud Safa also. Our ummah is so diseased, and it is true, the brothers stick together, and many sisters stick to the brothers. I think in some cases that some women are miserable in their situation with their husbands, and think well if I am going through it, and countless other women are going through it, what’s so special about another sister having to go through it? And then when the sister takes a stand for herself, that can spark some envy or disgust, whatever you will, but it is rare that you will find a sister who sticks by a woman who has been wronged by their man.
Very powerful post, and I am sorry for what you experienced with the Imam when your husband died. I hope he was ashamed of himself.
Thank you for sharing with us about your husband that Imam so called, was horrible. As for Safa masha’Allah it’s when the stuff hits the fan that we find out who is really on our sides. SOmetimes siters leave us hangingn in need and other times sister really stick up for us. Masha’Allah I’m glad Safa got it out.
I’m new to your blog and loving it
Isnt it crazy how as sisters we dont support each other its crazy.A sister can have the most heartbraking story and will come to look for support amongst her sisters and all they will do is find ways to say its her fault or if they cant they say your lying by saying” well we dont know his side”.I say it all the time we are our worst enemy. Look at it this way with Safa’s situation her co-wife knew that he married her in secret and how neglectful he (the husband)was to Safa why even stay with someone like that.I wouldnt even do no mess like that(marry a brother knowing his wife dont know whats going on).This is why there isnt unity amongst us
I agree with your post, and furthurmore, these Muslim men would love it if the women stayed silent on their behaviour. What gall criticizing a woman for speaking out to the ”kafir” as they wouldn’t understand.
That’s their way of controlling women so they tolerate their totally inhumane treatment.
Be angry, you have the right. I swore after my divorce 12 years ago, I would never, ever marry a Muslim man again, and I kept my word. The abuses I have been subjected to by Muslims in a Muslim country have been the perfect example of what I DO NOT want in my life. If this was any example of ”dawaah” you have failed miserably.
Until the conscience of these men, and women who continue to marry other women’s husbands wakes up, they are losing respect not only by non Muslims, but by Muslims.
Egypt now requires the first wife’s permission ….and Tunisia has banned polygamy. YET, many Tunisian and Egyptian men in the U.K. continue to ignore this all the while marrying secretly in a secular country. Go figure.
Let the Muslim male ”good ol boys” club continue in public, and support these women such as Safa, who deserves much better. Airing dirty laundry is a silly term designed by the Arab culture which covers and masks hypocrisy and a false sense of honor and pride.
Check the ”laws of disclosure” in Islam. You are supposed to expose those convicted of crimes to protect the society and yet in the Arab world most of the criminals are protected for the sake of their family pride.
Oh, and for those of you who feel no conscience marrying a man with a wife and children—the final insult will be on you. I’ve seen this happen so many times—he will marry on you eventually.
Women: Unite.
assalaamu alaikum,
I stop by every once in awhile (obviously not often enough because I just found out that you moved to wordpress!) But as soon as you started talking about that group I knew immediately which one you meant! I also belong to that group and very rarely read anything posted there anymore because the women are often negative. Way to go to let them have it!
ASA, WOW! WOW! I have pits in my stomach. I can barely type. I recently became familiar with your blogs and Sister this one is dead on the money. We as sister need to stand up for each other as you say but,some sister tend to look the other way and say oh, its ain’t my problem. Alhumduiliah I’m not in this situation but, there are so many sisters that are. The man does what ever he likes and rolls out, leaving them to struggle and fend for themselves. This is why we have so many homeless sisters in the deen. yes I said HOMEless, its not suppose to be this way the man is suppose to take care of his duties as a father and a husband. So why are they not? I feel bad for sister Safa, insha allah it will get better for her as she gets stronger insha allah. I can do bad all by myself, I don’t need extra baggage to carry on my back!
Hi. It’s a terrible situation! It sounds horrible! I’m wondering, why is it ok in Islam for a man to have up to 4 wives, but as far as I can understand, only ok for a wife to have one husband? It just seems like a double standard.
I do not look a it as a double standard. I see it for what it is . One it is a part of Islam that is an OPTION> it is NOT required.
2. I know the nature of men so I do not doubt that it is there for a good reason for men to want and have more than 1 wife
3. with 4 wives comes HUGE responsiblity. while many men do not follow and do what is right in Islam when they haev more than 1 wife. There are rules and women do have rights. it is just peopel will be people and they always seem to mess things up.
4. I do nto know any god fearing (Muslim)woman that would KNOWIngling want to walk into a marriage with more than 1 man and have to do the things men have to do.
in all things we have to answer to allah for it. These men forget that. They forget that they will pay for this and their happy time here will be followed by an eternity of hell.
for me personally. I see the need for it and think it is a useful thing. The problem comes it when it is not done correctly. as much as we all want to be equal we are different. we can be equal and be different . When we know our roles and stay within the bounderies we will be ok. it is when we go outside our roles or do do nto follow the rules that things get all jacked up.