Loving life is hard sometimes

I am tired of life. It is hard and at times I feel like I am walking into the same wall over and over again.

To be looked down on for covering in a Muslim country is just a bit much for me. I am tired of it. So, I think I am going to leave UAE. However I dont know where I am going to go. NO, I am not going home………home to what….high gas prices, high rents, public school for my kids………Nah……dont think so.

I came overseas to learn Islam and Arabic…..I think I got side tracked…..maybe I will take a yr off and do just that. Work will be here next yr. Even though I HATE HATE HATE Cairo I may end up there………YUCK

But at least I can afford it and spnd the yr with my kids inshaallah just being a mom

 

anymore ideas????

 

Abandoned

Been thinking alot lately. This time about what makes me tick. I am thinking about some of my issues, Yes I do have some, we all do. My biggest fear, well behind death, is being abandoned. Being left, being alone, being forgotten; no matter how you want to work it is all points to being abandoned.

It comes from my childhood. I felt like the outsider in my family. for those of you that are not blk you may not know that there is a pecking order when it comes to skin color. I am one of the darkest females in my family. While I have come to LOVE this chocolate skin I am in now; there was a time when I wished I could have and did try to bleach my skin lighter.

On my mothers side the range was from white looking to high yellow and some just light skined..then there was me…….I was overtaken by darkness by my cousin when I was 7 or 8 BUT we never saw her, she rarely came to any family function so I was always the dark one where ever I went.

I felt alone. I remember looking at my great grans mother photo album. Most photos of me are of me alone looking sad. What could I have been sad about at 5,6, or 7? I do not know but I know I looked so sad, and I was alwasy by myself. In a room full of people I was alone.

Let me give you some background about my family get togethers. We only did this for birthdays. Birthdays were a HUGE deal in my family. We believe in celabrating the fact the you made it another year. MY WHOLE family and their friend would come and help you eat your ice cream and cake and if you were luckly enough to be born in the summer, there was a barbacue too.  there could easily be 75 people at a party for a 9 year old.

                                                                            

                                                                          

    

So why am I alone with so many people? I think it is becasue I never felt like i fit in. I never felt like I belonged in my family. I never felt like I had a place. Not only way I the dark child I was the poor baby without a mother. My mother was often off here or there doing whatever with her modeling career. My mom was one of the people that helped start the Miss Black America pagent. So while she was living the Glamour life I was left with my grandmother. Dont get me wrong I adore my grand mother and am proud I am the only grand child that calles her MOM instead of grand mom. However, It would have been nice to be with my real mother. My mother says she thought my grand mother would be a better parent than she would be. But she never thought of how I would feel without a mother; or how this abandoned feelign would carry into my adulthood.

So in my mind I was abandon as a child by my mother.

Later in life I would feel abandoned by my father. I always loved going to visit my dad. His house was always fun. He lived with my other grandmother. The one that brought me a fur coat at the age of 4 or 5; spending time there was always enjoyable. I would spend time in the back yard or play with all my wonderful friends. My friends there seems to be better than my other friends. We had more fun and they seemed to be tons of them. It didnt matter that I only saw them a few times a month to them I was theri friend. I was invited to all their birthday parties, cook outs, and block parties. If you were to see all my photos taken there I am happy and smiling. You see a girl that thinks she is pretty and beautiful, I was always looking in the morrow. I think I have seen over 100 photos of my looking at myself, this is something my youngest daughter doesn now and it drves me crazy!!!!!!. In these photos You see a different girl. I was not the same sad child I was with my other grandmother. There my skin color did not matter most kids where dark and most people on my dads side were dark as well. There I was free to be me. I was popular and just a normal girl. It didnt even matter that my parents were divorced. there was a family that was split up becuase their mother had died. The boys lived accross the street with the dad and the girls lives down the street with their aunt and uncle. There is nothing sadder than losing a parent so be a child from divorce was never an issue. No one was pittied more than Valorie and DEDE…..they had lost their mom, poor girls……..and the boys had to live with their dad ; and he was never home and when he was he was sleep casue he worked all night.

Then my dad got a promotion. He offered to take me with him to Chicago but knowing I would NEVER go the offer was only to make me feel good. Right after our christmas break my dad left and there would be no more him unil That summer.

THAT summer what did the cat drag in………..a woman!!!!!!!!!!

Now my dad had other women in his life. He had even lived with a lady for a few yrs. But I didnt think of her the way I did this woman…..this woman wanted a husband……YOU could smell it. I could at the ripe old age of 13. I knew she wanted my dad. end the end she would get him she would be my first step mom.

My dad and I used to take trips 2 times a year to visit our family down south. That summer she went too. I remember thinking to myself why is she here? It is NOT her family! She spoiled my trip. I sat in the back seat of the car while she and my dad talked. She was in MY seat! She had taken MY place. A few years later she became the woman in his life……the wife.  A year later she gave him a son……Men lose thier minds when they get sons. I wa s almost 17 but I found myself  left alone again. I was alone just as I was when I was a child. He got all the attention. He got to live with both parents. He got to live in  a huge house. He got EVERYTHING…….. while I got leftovers. I was just the summer pet. While I love my dad I resent the fact that he forgot about me when his new family came along. No more support checks…… My birthday card were no longer signed Dad but Marv…….. I was thought of once a yr. I was again abandoned………… this time by my dad.

That next yr my grand mother died. I felt so sad and alone. I would no longer have a place to excape. I could no longer visit her and all my childhood friends. That was over and my life would no longer be the same. She was my protector. Her house was the only place in the world I would feel safe. And although since I was a baby she said when she died the house would belong to me……It was never in a will so her sons, my uncles and my own father stole it from me. …….I would never see that house again………

I was abandoned again……

I was alone in the world. Not having nothing or no one. My mothers mother the one that raised me THOUGHt it would be a good idea for me to live with my dad. She thought he could give me a better life. He was making over $100,000 a yr, had a home, went on vacations and could give me things she never could…..so she kicked me to the curb….can you say abandoned again!!!!

How could i compete with a new child and a step mom that did not want me there. I couldnt. I was neglected and alone. I wa sad and depressed. I ran away and was quickly returned. I know my grand mom THOUGHT she was doing what was best but it was not. It left me feeling abandoned.

While living with my dad I needed to find myself. I went to church..there I felt love and acceptance. I was a part of something. something big and important. I went to church several times a week. this made my family happy cause i was out of their hair. But when I started to question the bible. I was no longer welcome in that church. I was abandoned my GOD…………How low could I get

My home life was a mess. I was not happy at all. My step mom and my dad were argueing all the time. She would finally leave him and I was not needed or wanted becuase he was a free man looking for women. So I wa shipped off to my grandmother telling her he could not raise a daughter w/o a woman he didnt know what to do with me. My grand mother took me back but I always wonenerd if she wanted to or if I was just like those old pair of shoes. You have them but do not need them .but for whatever reason you just dont throw them away…….butt if you LOSt them you would not miss them.

so even though I was home it never felt like home again. It was just a place I would sleep. It never felt like home  ever again. Even now I can never say I feel HOME anyplace I live. I always get restless and never feel like I found my place in the world. I am still searching. I guess that is why I can pick up and go and move at the drop of a dime.

My husbands death left me feeling more abandoned that I ever felt. He was my safty blanket. He once told me I was a lost soul and he would never leave me. I had searched the world to find him and he would be my protector and always give me comfort. He did for the most part. While he was not rich or educated he gave me love and security. He took care of me with his heart. He looked into my eyes and gave me a place that was all my own. He gave me the key to his heart and I alone had the only key. I had found my place in the world with him. Maybe not a physical place but my emotional place.

The night he died left me more alone than ever before.  You see that night he was ill. He had been throwing up and I justthought he ate somethign bad. I never knew vomiting was a sign of a heart attach, so all of you that are like me….REMEMBER THIS and call 911!!!

He wanted me to fix tea for him. It was 1 am and i had just had the baby and I was tired. I remember thinking why cant you get your own tea.  Can you just take care of yourslef once. I could never take those feelings back. I was so sorry that I didnt call 911 earlier or happly fix him his tea and stay up with him to comfort him? How could I just abandon him when he needed me???

this feeling has never left me. It took me over a yr to sleep though the night; I still haev trouble sleeping. I still feel alone. I put up with my next husbands crap because of a need to be loved and needed and the fact that I was deathly afraid to be alone. I was NOT going to have that man abandon me for a younger woman……I would not be abandoned again.

As i look back at my life  I can see how things that happened to me as a small child affect the things I do today. I do not leave my kids with peopel. I take them everywhere. I make them know they are loved and wanted. I tell them I love them and make sure they know it is not just words……I even write them letters each birthday telling them what they did that was amazing and how much I am happy to be their mom and I love and adore them. This way they will have something to remember me by when I am gone. They are ina box of things I have kept of theirs. Like teeth, reportcards, drawings, I even have the pregnancy tests I took with each of them. Sick i know but I want them to know I LOVEd every part of being thier mom!!!!! 

Everything a parent does will teach a child something some things will have positive affect others will not. I think I can see how things people may not think are important ARE important and can change a person to the core. So please parents think about everything you do to and for your children……..While you may think you are doing something to help them…….think about all angles and talk to them….find out how they feel about things. caus e you never know how it will affect them forever………..

Am I prejudice

I was thinking last night about how I think of people and I never that of myself as prejudice until recently.

I find myself talking about people and saying these people or those people. I never did this before but now I use these phrases often. I never used to think of where a person was born or what nationality a person was until I moved here.  This is a trait I want to get rid of. I dont like this about myself.

I HATE when I person asked me where I am from and when I say the States they go into this..no really.I mean before that……your parents, grand parents.ect.when I say the states they seem to think I am telling them an untruth. I have come to see that many people on this part of the world have no idea what America is like except for what they see on the boob tube.  Many think the only Muslims are there are Arabs or Africans……when I tell them in places like Philly you can not go more than a few blocks without seeing American Muslims that are not Arabs or Africans…Just plan ole Blk Americans……

Anyway, back to my thought….when I first seperated from my husband I had a very good friend of mine tell me about this brother that was a good Muslim and was widowed. SHe said Oh I think you would get along quite nicley and when your waiting period  is up I want to set up a meeting with you. I Never thought about what nationality the man was I just thought he would be Blk or in the back of my mind maybe arab as she is married to an Arab.

well a few days later she called me and said her husband told her to call me and tell me the guy is Asian. I was like hummmmmmmmm. I dont know why but I lost interest at that moment…I didnt tell her that I told her well we can wait and see. I guess her husband kept bother her about the issue and told her to send me a  photo … when I saw a photo of him I was like NO way…he was thin maybe 150lbs soakin wet and my mind when to what am I going to do with this man other that break him……..

Then another person wanted me to marry her husband. she was very excited and sent me this photo of him at hajj ….The man was white. I just was not feeling him. Why????????? I have asian friends, White friends, one of my very best friends is WHITE, I have friends of many colors and hues but I was turned off my that man cause he was white. Later I was turned off when I found out he had no job and living overseas with no income and no stability the one thing you need is a JOB!! NOT a second wife..

But I asked myself the question why did I react so harshly. These men could have been great men but I didnt think of them becuase of their nationality and body size. If a people did that to me I am sure I would be hurt.

I just kept thinking I was not attracted to these men at all no way shape of form…..I know that is ok, I know you have to have some attraction to a person to marry them but was my lack of attraction becuase he was Asian??

I asked another friend of mine about my feelings aans she sadi well when my daughter desides to marry a big part of our decision will be on the passport they hold. SHe went on to say that it is hard when you can go places and your spouse cant……..TRUE………

But she also went into the different people she didnt think would make good husbands..I listens and agreed with some of what she said…

then I thought WHY do I think this way? The only thing I know about these people are what I have been told or things I see…..not experience

So my question is am I normal??

Do we all have some type of prejudice traits?

Is it ok to not want to marry a man becuause of what he looks like?

I dont want to think of myself as prejudice but the fact is …………maybe I am!!!!

 

 

Password protected

I am suprised at the amount of people that started reading my blog. Maybe I always had more than 5 or 6 people reading but never new. Now that I am using wordpress I see how many people a day and where they come from.

People have come from links in an email …cant think of anything in my blog that is worth sending in an email, or searches like pre teen boobs…..

Im not sure I want a person looking for preteen boobs looking at photos of my kids..

I  am happy to have tons of people read my blog but  I think things that have photos and personal family things will be password protected.

 

If you want to get my password just leave a comment or if you know me drop me an email for the password.

 

Women

I have been thinking alot about my life and choices I have made. I have been thinking about the people that helped me become who I am. More than the men in my life I am thinking of the women. My life is what is it becuase of these women.

 

 

 this was taken at the houston rodeo when I took her to see Alicya Keys. Yeah I took my grand mom to a concert

The one in the cow girl hat is my grand mother. How can you NOt love a person that would wear a cow girl hat over her hijab……….lol. she is 12 kinds of crazy!!!! She would also kill me if she knew I put this out for the world to see. However this is why I love her. She is who she is; take her or leave her. She pretty much raised me. She gave me all she had to give and let me chose the path I wanted to take. She guided me gently. Never do i remember her telling me you cant. She always said if anyone can do it I believe you can. And for the most part I did. when i said I am leaving Philly , I did. When I said I will not raise my kids in the ghetto, I did what I had to do to make sure I didnt. When I said I am moving to this state or that state and didnt know a soul she would say go on pioneer woman…she watched me go from here to there…..state to state jamaica to where ever…….And when I left the states for here all she could do was cry cause she knew this would be  my biggest adventure yet and I may never see her or smell her again. I learned I can do anything from her!!!!!

 

 

                               

 

My mommy

We took this one while she was here visiting me.  The other was in Jamaica the day after my husbands funeral.

Although she didnt really raise me she has become my friend. I cannot speak much about her parenting skills; those skills she used for other things. But becuase she was the type of mother she was it showed me what I didnt want to do as a mother. I was her only child and although she love me she didnt know what to do with me. She was a sad soul. she had many things happen to her and she never let those demonds go. She Let them controlled her until she learned to take control of her own life. Becuase of her lack of parenting skills I knew what NOT to do with my kids. To this day I am very protective of my kids. I have have only once asked my family to take them for more than one day. I cherrish every day I have with them. I have learned how to forgive becuase of her. forgiveness is a hard thing to do when a person hurts you. But becuase she has shown me she can be my friend  and love me 100% forgiving her was easy to do………

I do not have a photo of my dads mother. but if I did it would be on top. Grandmother. yup I called her grandmother like some spoiled rich child in a movie…….dont ask me where that came from …….but I called her that until she died. This woman was the living example of the word strength.  Her voice could put fear in a person but she was sweet and as loving towrds me. She spoiled me rotten. when i was six i loved toast and she told my mom the baby wants some toast so she got me a toster for my birthday along with a tv for my room cause the baby just had to see her cartoons in color…….LOL.I had a fur coat, always in new clothes and shoes. she not only spoiled me but she showed me what it takes to be a woman. She worked hard and never complained. She loved hard and never recieved 1/2 of what she put out. she scarficed and went without so her sons could be and have everything they needed to be strong men. I remember hearing her tell a her friend once never let your husband beat you again. He does not own you, you are there for him to love. she told  her husband had hit her one time. the next night he came in the room and thought he was going to get some lovin……she let him get close and pull a knife from under her bed……..she quickly became the agressor……..she told him if he EVEr thinks about hitting her again he needs to think about how it will feel to get your neck slit in his  sleep. Remember I cook your food and I sleep in the same room as you. That night she said he was the perfect husband……..now this conversation wa suppose to be a private thing but like all teenages I was nosey so I listened. She told her friend that night he made love to her like he never had before. He took care of her needs and made sure she was happy………and from that day on he was a changed man. he kissed her everyday and made sure she knew he loved her and would never mistreat her again. Grandmom had it going on!!!!! I wish I could say I learned from her how to not be a door mat for a man …..that I had to learn for myself….But I did learn how to be aggressive and stand on my own two feet.

 

            

My toothless wonder

This is an old photo maybe 4 yrs old but shows her excitement for life.  The other was in a mall in Dubai. This child should have been my mothers. Man if she is not a younger her.  She loves clothes, makeup , and everything that has to do with being a lady. I remember once when she was about 4 or 5 i had just given her a bath and she told me no mommy dont rub me dry ..pat my skin so it wil stay soft………WTH……. I was like OMG she is not my child. I am a wash and wear kind of girl ……i dont have time for all the frilly stuff.i put on lotion and that is it unless I am entertaning a man(husband)……..anyway she has taught me to love. She was born right before my husabnd died. I held on to her more than anyother child. She would sleep with me under my arm for the first year of her life. She would smell me and I would hold on to her never letting go. If I let her she will still at age 9 lay under my arm and sleep. She will comein my bed and grab my clothes around my arm and sniff it…That is her favorite place in the world.

 

             

 

this is on the red sea in Egypt

the other in Kuwait at an amusement park

My oldest girl is as smart as she can be. She is a wonerful writer. She its up many times all night writing her stories and doing art work to go along with them. She has a web site were she put up all her stories on line. She did nto give me permission to give out the link, so I can. She finally gave it to me. Go figure…… Anyway, she has won the Presidents award for her grades, she has won spelling bees……this she did not get from me ……..She plays instruments and is looking to play more. She is strong minded. I remember when we were back int he states; she wore hijab in a school for over 1000 students. She was the only one that did. There where arab children that atteneded the school but my baby was they only one that wore her hijab proudly. She knows who she is and you can either accpet her or leave her…..Just like th photo of her digging in the sand she was 14 and having a ball she didnt care that she was the only teenager playing….she loves to play and still be a kid and she does not care who knows it!!!…I love that about her. I have learned to be my own person from her. when i was youger I wanted to fit in. Being in a family of light skinned women I felt out of place also not having my mom with me all the time made me feel out of place when everyone else had a mom. So I would try to be the one eveyone liked.

My girl taught me it does not matter. She walks around and kisses her fingers and smacks her butt and says thats what you have to do to people mom…….

I was blessed to have both my great grand mothers alive for a long time. i was 19 and 21 when they died.

my nanny on my mothers side taught me you can be old and sexy. That woman would sit tell you some stories about her younger days. She would rub her legs and talk about how good they looked and how the men loved them…..I remember thinking man I want to be like her when i am old. not a big mama type but a real vibrant sexy woman.

my granny on my dads side was just a humble woman. she lived for her family and real southern woman. I learned how to cook all this darn food that has made me FAT!!!!! I learned to listen from her. No matter how much i had to say she would sit and listen even when i didnt make sence. She would just sit and listen and not the kind of listenign I sometimes do to my kids. She was eyes to eyes..listening to each and every word like I had something impotant to say. so now I try to listen to my children even when I dont want to becuas ei remember when someone listened to me…….

 Because of these women I am who I am today. I am strong, I am funny, I am loving, I can listen, I can love, I am me and more important ; I can do anything because they love me…………..

                 These are me at ski dubai, cairo pyrimids, and paris.                                                               

                                         

Death..the sadness never goes away

 

               

Today is the anniversary of the day I burried my late husband. I didnt even remember it until i looked at the date. It is strange how my mind and body works. I have been feeling a bit down lately and thought it was becuase of me having to look for a job.

I now know it is not. Every yr I fell down. No matter what is going on. It is like my body has an alarm clock and it goes off the end of April and last until the begining of May.

so I have been thinking about jamaica and wishing I were there. I would love to see the home i used to live in and see my friends i used to have ……….eat some cow foot with red bean and rice…..some achie and salt macrel………maybe some dumplins too………. I miss that food.

More than the food I miss my KEN. I miss his smile and how he used to drive me freakin crazy with his sad behind country music that I hate. I miss him beign a dad. I miss him singing my son to sleep. I miss him dancing with him to calm him down when he was a todler.

I wonder what he thinks of my life now. I wonder if he approves of us living here and not in jamaica. I wonder if he knows I miss him and wish he never left…….

 

 

I will never understand this

I have been overseas a few years now. I have had many exciting experiences and many bad ones also; but there is one that seems to happen often. This is one I will never understand.

How is it when you go to a Muslims country the MUSLIMS want you to take off you hajab or cut your beard, or take off your thobe for a job? Your read right, THe MUSLIMS. I have had this happen to me a few times and each time it really freaks me out.

I had gone to Kuwait becuase I had an offer there. Now for those of you that do not know this Most jobs want a photo of you or a copy of your passport before they will hire you. So these people knew I covered. Once I arrived I had a meeting with the principal and she was showing me around. The schools business officer was a Kuwatie and saw me. I was finishing up my meeting with the principal, a britsh woman, and she was called in to see the business officer. She comes back in and says she was just informed I would have to take off my abayah to work. Im thinking while in class cause the job was to teach pre-k. Im like no problem as long as I can shut the door I can take off my abayah and   put it on if a man wants to come in. She was like..um no, you cannot wear it on the school grounds…….My eyes got big and I asked her didnt you see my photo. She said she did and it is not her rule. Then she goes into this bit about how other teacher just wear a scarf but another thing the scarf can never be black…..LOL……..Im not a fan of black anyway but to tell me I cant wear it just made it my favorite color……so needless to say I didnt take the job. I did however find another one that allowed me to wear my abayah…..and Niqab……

Then I was working here. I had an Emeratie tell me she loves me as a teacher. but she didnt like that I cover. SHe spends too much money for her daughter to have a teacher that looks like me…….Im thinking what do my arm pits stink……do I have on dirty clothes……is my abyah to drab looking …no sparkles, no feathers, no beads…….what……..this woman, a woman that covered……..with niqab on mind you……..told me I look to arab. WTH????????????? My head was spinning………She said she sent her kids to that school for the image. I did not fit the Image.

Not only was I not white……..I am a MUslim…….OH NO!!!!!!!! She said she has nothing against me being Muslim, gezze thanks I thought,  but wearing an Abayah is an ARAB TRADITION………OMG……… so for me to wear it makes no sense. If I were an Arabic teacher it would be ok, then she said even all of those dont cover.  She happliy pointed out that several other teacher are Muslim from Europe, Canada, India, and someplace that ecapes me but they do not cover they even wear capris……..WEll thanks for the news flash I thought. She said maybe I could think about it. ………Well I thought about 1/2 a second and told her first wearing an abayah is NOT an arab tradition is it an ISLAMIC duty. I need to wear somthing to cover myself. While I do not think it has to be black or I HAVE to wear Niqab I chose to. I also told her what other people do and do not wear had nothing to do with me. I have to face ALLah alone and I cant say well sally sue did this or that. I have to answer for MY own actions.

She tells me that it is only tradition and they all take their abayah off when they go on vacation…….VACATION FRM ALLAH…….What is that???? No one wears this unless they are  forced to except old people……….I was done talking to her. HOwever she was not finished. She went to the principal and gave him a letter sighned by a few ARAB parents asking that I not be the kids teacher becuase ………….i am a horrible teacher……nope, ……i hit there kids…………..nope, …………I dont give enough homeowrk………..not…………cause I cover……….I guess if I were paying $10, 000-15,000 USD a yr for my child to go to school I would not worry about how the teacher treats or teaches my child but what they WEAR!!!!!.This world is going to hell……lol…….

He comes into my room later that week and tells me his story about what the parents said and how this is not easy for him and asks me if I would like to teach in the Library the next yr. HEL@ NO!!!! I am not freakin Librian……this is what I am thinking however what comes out of my mouth is this. No need to hide me. I do not have to come back here next yr. He says oh no, We would never ask you to leave We are family and yadah blah yeah right………I told him i have been overseas not casue i like it . I came for Islam and quickly found out there is none. However, I will be here a while and I will NEVER take off my abayah and Not hide in a corner becuse i wear one. This is who I am. When I was younger I didnt want to put it on. I would walk out the house and put it in the bushes. NOw I see the beauty in it an d It has becomea part of me. He will never undertand it and thats ok but for me taking it off would be like walking naked…….. He understood and next yr I was some place else.

This yr………I swear ……. I work with ALL ARABS………Mash’allah ……..sike…….These women are a bit much…..now when i first arrived there were all in a room I met every teacher int he school. told them my name…….Trust me it is all Arabic. During the next week some teachers came and asked me IF I WERE MUSLIM………hum let me think….my name is such and such…i dress like this……….oh yeah i do it for fun………..YES, im muslim why do you ask comes from my mouth. well your name is simular to an arab name…….WTH simular it is ARABIC it come from Quran……..anyway, Im like oh really and then she said you do wear black, why…….I am speechless…….I have nothing to say to that broad…..Then maybe a week later my girls come to school with  me to help me put up decoration. They are covered. My oldest in an abayah and my little on has one one too maybe or atleast her hair is cover….either way…….a bunch of ladies come to talk to me……one talks for them as the others do not speak English………WOW, Masha’allah your kids are nice and good Muslim. She can tell this becuase of thier clothes They dress like this all the time?” I didnt think you were Musim until I see your kids this morning……You more Muslim than us… We go to Frace we take this off we go to Egypt we take this off….We only wear this here……I love pants and jeans and to look normal…….But you people when you become Muslim you do it the old way this is good”…..You know im tripping in my head…..you people……..WTF…..” how long you been Muslim is your husband an arab” GRRRRRRRRRRR I hate that…….No i was born into a family of Muslim from my grand parents on down we are all Muslims. SHE is shocked, “Oh your family is from afrcia”………..No Im american 100% born there parents born there and grand parents too…” Oh so How you become Muslim” …….Shahaddah like everyone else……..Leave me alone cause I am about to start swinging…….But that stayed in my head and I told her my family story……she is suprised when I tell her how many cities have tons of muslims at are not arab…..they all cover and yes we pray and have Masjids and do salat in Arabic………Ya AllAh

NOW to top it off the prinicpals of the school asked my the company I work for hired Muslim teachers. They want AMerican and European people in there schools……… HERE WE GO AGAIN…the one place i THOUGHT I would be safe …….a school with 100% Muslim staff and students, a place where everyone covers……….NOPE Im a sitting duck……..getting ready to be killed………

So they come out with a list of people they will not fire but just not renew their contracts……guess what on there………..every person in my position what covers……….Most teachers that cover…….wow!!!! Im speechless………and looking for another job……….Alhumduillah I have a degree, I have a good employment record………..I have Allah………

Maybe I should go to europe or back home cause at least they cant tell you becuse you Muslim is why why you lost your job…..

For the most part I am happy. I will miss the money …….highest paying job here for teachers…..but I didnt come here to get rich……..I teach becuase i like it although I did enjoy not haveing to teach this yr just train……. But its hard to train people that do not want to learn…These women are too much. I was suppose to train them and help them learn how to be a real teacher. They have no intrest in that happeneing………They are to used to walking out of class in the middle of teaching when their friends come ask them to get tea……..yup they leave class to get tea……….and they are gone for 15-20 mins. They are used to talking on the phone in class……… leaving  a class left unattended……….running to the bank while in the middle of class…….I have seen it all………. no one wants to really work and my program was suppose to make them work………I say suppose to becuase it never happened 

But i do not blame them; why want to be smart, why want your kids to have a chance to be productive human beings, why want  to get a real degree and not the diploma thing thy give you that is only good here in UAE.  Why not want to be qualified to work so your country will not have to look for people from other coutries to do jobs that you cant do……….HUMMMM maybe it is becuase they get everything handed to them………why would anyone want to work when they get money just becuase they are born…….This country really needs to rethink how they do things casue when the money dries up they will be in big trouble……Ok thats my rant for the morning………

Im still not going home

 

Wind beneath my wings………

When I feel giving up and not going on…………..I think of you……….

 

when life feels hopless and I think why even try……I think of you……………

 

 

When I feel all alone and need comfort and love………..I think of you…………..

 

 

 

You are my reasons………..You are my life……….You may not know it but you push me and make me stronger than I could ever be without you…………

I love you

              You make me ……complete……………

 

UMMM maybe not

Well My dream man may have turned into my nightmare. I have been spending alot of time with his daughter. We have been having a good time for the most part. I enjoy her becuase she is funny. However, the girl is walking birthcontrol. I see why she was his last child.  She talks so much and the things she says at times are really wild.

When I think that this child could have been apart of my life forever I THANK ALLAH that did not happen. While a visit every now and then is harmless contact with my kids on a daily basis would have been a nightmare for me. This girl is 10. she has a HUGE crush on my son and had the nerve to tell me.” Auntie J I think AJ is cute do you think he likes me and would like want to marry me when we get older. We are around the same age”. I just look at her in shock. THEn she said umm maybe J can marry my brother S and we can all be family. Ok that can be taken as a cute thing BUT I aint feeling it. Not when this hot mama was swinging her butt all over my house singing songs like, Oh I cant wait to be next to you and can you come and feel me down……….I DONT THINK SO!!!!! Not my son. Alhumduillah when she comes here my son is at her house.

Then she started telling me things that bother her in her home life. She spends alot of time alone and really has no adult supervision. I blame BOTh her parents for that. While I understand their family life has changed alot and people need time to adjust. YOUR STILL A PARENT. She said she never eats a meal family style at a table. She eats alone. She does not remember the last time she had a home cooked meal by either her mother or father. Everything she eats comes froma  box or a microwave. She barly talks to her parents. She is up unil 2-3 in the morning on the net……..UHMMMMMMMMM WHY??????? I know this to be true becuase many times I have been up and she is on trying to talk to me.  I really feel sorry for her.

She is a sad child longing for attention. While her parents are off doing whatever she is left alone to fin for herself. This is why she has asked her parents to stay here every weekend. While she is here she has structure, she has a bed time, she eats real food, I talk to her, I play with her, I spend time just being a silly girl with her. At 10 all children need more than a roof over their heads.

My daughter has said to me she does not want her to come over for awhile. She said while she loves her and she is her best friend she does not like some of the things she says or does. She said she dances to wild and wants her to do the same moves. My daughter said she knows I dont like that and will get in trouble. My kids can only listen to disney songs. Nothing from the radio unless it is something I am listening to and they come in my room. They do not look at videos but she does, this is something her parents didnt know.  My daughter said she talks about boys too much and wants to learn how to kiss…..My baby said she just want to play and talking about that stuff makes her nervous…….Alhumduillah……

So I think I may have dodged a HUGE bullet. while I want to help the girl and give her some type of normal life and parenting. It is not my job and it can come with a huge price. I work hard to keep my kids KIDS!!! I would hate for this little girl to come and undo all my hard work.

So not more dream man talk to me. I have had my last dream, my last fantasy, my last everything…..Some of the stories my son came home telling me makes me think he is not what I want for a step father; and so not get me started about the stories he tells when he spends time with the mom. LETS JUST SAY neither parent will be up for parent of the yr.

 

 

Pre teens

OMG my baby is geting boobs. OK, I am not ready for that. She is only nine.  She came in my room the other day and she started to cry. She said she was feeling sad and angry and mad all at the same time and she does not know why. She said nothing made her feel that way but she just felt strange. She didnt want her brother to touch, sit nearer or lookat her and she yelled at him and that made her feel even worse becuase he didnt do anything wrong. Later he said he was wondering what the heck was going on…..LOL

She asked me if there was anything wrong with her. I felt sooooo sorry for her. I was like WOW my baby is becoming hormonal. I told her she is just growning up. I explained that those lovely nubs she proudly puts in her training bra every day comes with a price. One of the things you pay with are mood swings. I have always told her it is hard to be a woman and thats what she told me………Well mom you said it was hard to be a woman but I didnt know it was going to be this hard…………LOL She is so cute. She just does not know it gets worse. wait until she get cramp!!!!!!